Reason to Believe
by milford
Summary: A post Starsky Versus Hutch story where they try to deal with the aftermath of Kira. Chapter Four is up. Thank you for your kind reviews:) STORY COMPLETE.
1. Default Chapter

CHAP 1- Reason to Believe

Hutch

I sighed as I watched my far too pale partner filling in overdue paperwork, without a word of complaint. He was looking very tired and drawn but I didn't dare tackle him about it. Didn't dare. How things had changed between us. For so long we'd depended on each other for everything, confided in each other, lived like two halves of a whole, and now we walked on eggshells around each other, being so careful not to upset the other. For Starsky seemed as nervous around me, as I was around him. Perhaps nervous wasn't the right word, but we weren't relaxed around each other and I didn't know how to recapture the previous ease that we'd always had. I wanted to just reach out and touch him, as I always had, but I was unsure of my welcome. Starsky almost seemed to be deliberately distancing himself from me and was snappy and bad tempered. I knew this was my fault for I'd slept with a woman that Starsky had told me he loved. I'm not even sure how or why it happened, although it was obviously time to work it out, if I wanted to get my best friend and partner back, and I did. We hadn't talked a great deal about what happened and I was beginning to realise that was a mistake. We needed to sort things out, resolve the issue once and for all.

What had happened? Why had I done it? Slept with a woman that my best friend and partner loved.

Starsky had nearly walked in on me with Kira, he'd hit me and stormed off. I hadn't hit him back. How could I? How could I defend myself, or be angry with him for hitting me? I could only pray that I would be forgiven, for I'd realised at last, how important Starsky was to me and how I needed him in my life. I'd known this all along, but somehow I'd lost sight of it, lost sight of Starsky.

For so long, I'd been feeling tired and burned out. All we seemed to be seeing was the worst side of life and as hard as we worked, we weren't making a difference. At first I'd deceived myself into believing that this wasn't so, that we did make a difference. The facts remained, innocent people kept getting murdered, and the drug scene was as bad as ever. Nothing seemed to improve despite our efforts. We were constantly getting shot at, beaten up, abused, but still the crime and chaos continued. I tried, God knows I tried, but it didn't seem to matter that Starsky and I were constantly risking our lives to put the scum in jail, and then with a blink of the eye, they were out again. I started asking myself what was the point? Surely there was more to life than this. I'm not even sure at what point the disillusion became depression and disenchantment with my life in general.

My personal life was a disaster, where my relationships fell apart, hell, they barely even started. I knew this was my fault. My moodiness and depression would be hard for anyone to deal with, anyone except my best friend and partner, Starsky. He took the blows that I kept dealing, and stuck with me. However, instead of appreciating him, I found myself starting to resent him. For as much as I loved him, the one constant in my life, I started to resent the fact that

he seemed to cope so well with all that we had to face. I lost sight of the fact that his resilience and strength were what I treasured most about him. The resilience that enabled him to bounce back after being tortured by some of the most dangerous lunatics I'd ever had the misfortune to come across. The strength that enabled him to survive a deadly poison that was injected into him, and the same strength of character that had seen him shoot the only person who could provide an antidote from the same poison. To save my life. My friend, the best friend a man could ever wish for, had been prepared to die, to save my life. How I could have forgotten all of that, I'll never understand. In my depressed state, I found myself pushing away the one person in this world who cared enough about me to want to help.

Sleeping with Kira had been the single most stupid act of my life. I had come so close, so very close to losing Starsky then, and the devastation in his eyes would haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure why I had slept with her. She was attractive but nothing spectacular and she should have been off limits for me – because Starsky loved her. I'd like to say that I sensed that she was bad news and had gone to see her to protect Starsky. He'd been so hurt in the past and deserved so much better. Helen and Terri had been taken from him, Rosie Malone had walked out on him. Rosie had been a disaster, although if she'd chosen Starsky I would have accepted her. So why had I ended up in Kira's bed? Was it a chance to prove to myself that I could have any woman that I wanted, during a time that I was feeling particularly low? I just don't know. It's all a blur and something I'd very much like to forget. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to answer that question satisfactorily, but there was one thing that I knew for sure. If I'd been low before, the sight of Starsky's heartbreak and anger brought me to my knees as nothing else could have, and I knew it was a mistake that I'd regret for the rest of my life. I certainly recognised the damage I'd done, the pain I'd caused, there was no mistaking that.

I would do anything for Starsky, give my own life, or do whatever it took to keep him safe, kill to protect

him. Why had I risked a friendship that was so precious to me? Ours wasn't a casual friendship, we were truly partners and brothers. Kira hadn't been worth it. She was a shallow, self serving bitch who hadn't deserved Starsky's love. But then did I? After what I had done to him, what right did I have to sit in judgement on Kira. Kira had enjoyed the challenge of breaking us up and she'd come so close. She could even succeed now. Where had that thought come from? Easy, the distance that loomed between us since we challenged Kira, the distance that seemed to be growing rather than lessening.

The distance that prevented me from talking to Starsky, from finding out what was wrong with my obviously unwell friend. For it was clear that Starsky was ailing.

For a few days after Kira, things had been okay between us. We'd managed to laugh and get drunk together, and if there had been any restraint, it had barely been noticeable. I was still consumed

with guilt but I'd done my best to put it behind me, as Starsky seemed to be doing. That's what I'd thought at first anyway. I'm not so sure now.

Starsky had started to look tired and pale and snapped at me when I tried to talk to him, even walking off on one occasion. Once, not so long ago, I would have ignored the snapping and just hauled Starsky off to the doctor, but now there was this distance between us, a distance that seemed to be increasing rather than decreasing, with Starsky looking less and less well. He lacked his usual energy and unless I was mistaken, was suffering from pains of some sort. I caught him grimacing and wincing at times but Starsky simply denied everything and painted on a false smile, not even close to being convincing. I was lost and confused and wanted things back to how they'd been, but I had no idea how to get there.

I was so scared of what was happening to us. If I made a wrong move and alienated him, it could be the straw that broke the camels back. What if he walked out for good? I couldn't bear the thought that I'd lose my best friend. I valued our partnership and friendship more than anything in the world and was more sorry than words could express that I'd risked it in the first place. A life without Starsky was not a

life, not for me. We lived such high risk lives and seemed to attract the hatred of every known nut

in LA, and the chances were always there that one of us wouldn't come home one day. It made us value each other so much more, or it had until I nearly blew it. Starsky had told me that we'd be okay and that our friendship was still in tact, but how could I believe that? If things were normal, why was there this distance and why was Starsky not talking to me like he used to? I needed to talk to him, for I wanted my Starsky back and would do anything to achieve this. It was killing me, this distance. I wanted to reach out and hold him, beg him to forgive me. I'd explain to him what happened, as best I could. I wanted and needed my friend back. I needed to believe in our bond, the invincible bond that had forged the "me and thee" team. I know I stuffed up big time but I'd make it up to him. We had to talk, there was no option.The question was, when. Starsky had taken to pulling disappearing acts and these scared me even more. He'd

disappeared for a few hours yesterday and came back looking white and strained and this morning he didn't look much better. It was difficult to work out whether the strain of recent events was catching up with him, or whether there was something more sinister going on and Starsky wasn't making it easy for me to find out. Our relationship was deteriorating again and I didn't know how to fix it. Oh Starsk, what's going on here?


	2. Chapter Two

A/N Thank you for your kind reviews. I'd like to just say that I actually don't dislike the Starsky versus Hutch ep as much as many fans do and the reason is I find it offers a lot of ideas for stories. Obviously the ep had its flaws, and certainly the resolution between them was glossed over way too quickly and we never really knew why Hutch did do what he did. I never found it to be a completely impossible scenario though, and I've enjoyed delving into possible reasons behind it. I've written quite a few "post Kira" stories and I hope you enjoy them.

CHAP 2

Starsky

I was well aware of Hutch's concern about me. It was a bit hard to miss, especially as I knew him so well. I caught him looking at me at times, and it was like my old Hutch was back. Except for one thing. My old Hutch wouldn't have kept his distance, he would have barged in and demanded to know what was wrong. This Hutch was keeping his eye on me, but from a distance, almost warily. The growing distance was my fault, I knew that, but I couldn't seem to help it. I was scared, and growing more scared each day, and the one constant that I'd always been able to count on didn't seem to be there. As my fear grew, so did my determination to distance myself from my partner. I didn't know how to reach out to him, and didn't even know if I had the right any more. That was why I was so reluctant to reach out – the doubts that I now had concerning our relationship. How much I meant to my best friend. I knew that he was still feeling very guilty about the Kira incident and he thought I was still angry. I wasn't. I'd made my decision that day, a decision I stood by. It hadn't been that hard to decide to forgive him. Not even a decision really, it was automatic for me. Nothing and no-one was more important to me than my partner. What I had thought of as love, was infatuation for a fascinating woman. Kira was fascinating, there was no question about it. Sure she was a selfish bitch, but there was a certain air about her. She'd proven herself totally unworthy of trust and love and it was a mistake that I was more than happy to put behind me, without regret. I wanted and needed Hutch in my life and I wasn't going to lose him. However, the affair had shaken me and I was forced to admit this to myself, even after the event, as my health started to decline.

Things may have plodded along as normal, if I hadn't started to get sick. That's what I told myself anyway. I don't know. Something would have made me face this. My relationship with Hutch was just too important to me, and was such a big part of my life. However, my illness made me face the doubts sooner rather than later. For, with my fear, came the questions and I started questioning our relationship and wondering whether my partner and friend cared as much about me as I did about him. I'd always thought so and certainly the evidence pointed that way. The evidence of many years of turbulent times and always being there for each other during the trials. I'd never doubted, never had cause to doubt, how Hutch felt about me – until Kira. He'd kept me going through some pretty tough times. The time I was poisoned by Bellamy. I doubt I would have made it then without him. It hurt so much, and I reached the point where I wanted to give up, but with Hutch holding on to

me, it was impossible for me to let go. He was my strength and my anchor and not once did I question whether he wanted me to hold on. We didn't talk a lot during those frantic hours, but the communication was there – how he held me, and his desperation when I finally collapsed on Bellamy's rooftop. We'd never spoken of it, even after it was over, but I had felt his despair when he thought he was losing me, and it had given me the added determination to survive. It wasn't a choice at all for me to shoot Bellamy, even though I seemed to be killing the only chance I had for survival. I couldn't have survived if Hutch had died, so no choice was necessary.

The time he'd taken care of me in the Italian restaurant when I was shot. Didn't think we'd get out of that one but we did - together. People who think Hutch is tough and cold, should have seen him then, taking such good care of me, refusing to be kept from my side when I needed him, despite the armed assassins. Once again, his determination to hold on, helped me find the strength to keep going.

Then Terri. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have survived the loss of Terri, if it hadn't been for Hutch. He was there every second of the day and night for me, to cry with me and to just hold me when I was just too scared and angry to speak. I never doubted how much he loved me and then Kira came into our lives.

What had happened? I knew that he'd been growing more disillusioned each day. I knew my partner and I could see that the disillusion was growing into depression but I guess I expected him to talk to me. I certainly gave him the opportunity, but the thing with Hutch is that he broods over things. I know that and accept that part of him, as much as I know and accept other aspects of his personality. I wish he'd talked to me but he didn't and then one day I found him at the house of a woman I thought I loved, tucking his

shirt in. I thought my world had come to an end. Everything I'd believed in seemed

broken beyond repair. I don't know how, but somehow we got past it. I hit him and he didn't hit back. Even in the midst of my anger and despair, I could see it had been a terrible mistake. Hutch made no effort to defend himself and one part of me registered that he was as devastated as I was. This made sense to me, even amidst my confusion and pain, but it was the only thing that did make sense. A mistake – that is all it was. I can forgive mistakes, for I know I make many and drive him mad at times.

What I was struggling to understand now, was what did it mean to us, for us? I had forgiven him, but I found myself unable to forget and as my health started to deteriorate, I started to question how much I meant to him. Hutch was my best friend, a friend I valued over everyone else, including my family. I suddenly realised that I no longer knew where I stood with him and questioned whether I was entitled to count on him any more. I still trusted Hutch with my life on the street, as things were back to normal there, but in our private moments I was filled with doubts. I sensed his reserve around me and found myself reacting to it. I was so scared with what was going on with me and needed to talk to him. I needed my friend who'd helped me during the difficult periods in my life, not the friend who'd slept with a woman I loved. I needed him to reach out to me, to show that I was mistaken about what I was feeling. But I was too scared to ask him outright. Scared of Hutch – that was a joke, but a pretty sad one. We'd always been very open with our feelings for each other, not caring what others thought. If a hug was needed, then it was provided and this air of restraint was suffocating. On the night I knew I could be seriously ill, instead of calling him as I once would have done without question, I found myself curled up on my bed, fighting back the pain and fear, and waiting for the morning-alone.

It started off simply enough, nausea and vomiting. I guess I put it down to a bad burrito but then the pains started. I was in agony and when they first started, and actually thought I was having a heart attack. However, I refused to accept that possibility and tried to put the thought out of my mind. I was 32, and a heart attack wasn't on. I know people could have heart attacks at any age, but I refused to believe it could happen to me. My appetite decreased and I found it increasingly difficult to eat and keep food down. I caught Hutch watching me worriedly as I threw away a half eaten burrito. I made light of it but I could see that Hutch was still

concerned, even after I brushed him off. The pains would start up any time and after a week, I had to accept I could have serious problems. I'd been taking aspirin for the pain and that provided me some relief but after a night of vomiting blood, I knew I had to get it checked. Lying in bed, sweating and grimacing with the pain, I remembered Uncle Jake.He'd died of stomach cancer. Those thoughts were turning through my head as I waited for the morning, feeling very scared and alone.


	3. Chapter Three

Thanks for your kind reviews! In reply to Jan in VA, this is a short story (only one more chapter) so the Sweet Revenge factor was not something I took into consideration. I didn't deliberately ignore it, but this was always going to be a short piece looking at their thoughts and feelings after such a difficult time. Naturally I had to add some angst (with the illness) As I mentioned before I have written a few "post Kira" stories for I find it interesting delving into why it happened and how they could resolve it.

CHAP 3

Hutch

I continued to worry about Starsky. He was losing weight and simply didn't look well. He kept disappearing, was leaving food uneaten and offered no explanation for anything.He didn't seem to want me to talk to him, yet every now and again I thought I glimpsed fear in his eyes.Out of the corner of my eye, I'd catch him staring at me sometimes, as if trying to commit my face to his memory but as soon as I looked up, Starsky would look away. We seemed to be at an impasse, with both of us scared to make the first move. I had to end this before it got any harder. It certainly seemed that Starsky was sick, and not just having a reaction to our tough times. Making this decision was all very well, but it wasn't easy to act on it, particularly with Starsky's disappearing acts.

That morning, I'd got a phone call from him telling me that he'd be late in for work and that he'd drive himself. No explanations, very unStarsky like. By the time he did get in, he was as white as a ghost but still didn't offer any explanation. This was crazy and I knew that we'd have to have this out at lunch. The lunch that Starsky wouldn't eat. Then he threw me a curve ball by announcing that he was going away for a few days.

"What? What's going on with you, Starsk?"

"Nothin'. Just need a break, Hutch. I've been kinda tired ya know." He looked at me. The expression in his eyes broke my heart. Yes, he certainly looked tired but I knew there was something else going on here. Once again, I felt very low. I didn't know what to do, or how to get through to him so I turned my head, fighting back tears. This was going to be hard and I didn't know the best way to handle it. Perhaps when he got back.

Dobey

I watched my two favorite detectives talking, or rather not talking, after Starsky left my office. I wish I understood what was going on with those two but I guess I had to face it that I'd never understood what made them tick. I was extremely fond of both of them and Starsky's announcement had left me stunned. Starsky explained the symptoms he'd been having and how he thought he might have cancer. He said his uncle had died from stomach cancer and he remembered how sick he'd been. The doctor didn't think it was cancer, and was trying to tell him to stop worrying, but he was going to hospital for tests and needed a few days off. After that statement, I lost the thread of what Starsky was saying, until he made the comment that Hutch didn't know. That grabbed my attention. Starsky saw this and managed a weak grin.

"It's okay, Cap'n. I told him I needed a break and was taking a few days off. I'd just rather not have him freakin' out and panickin' over me."

I nodded weakly, knowing there was a lot more to this than I was hearing. The lack of communication stunned me as much as anything I heard. I'd seen my boys through some very rough times over the years, and the one constant had always been the "me and thee" team as they referred to themselves. I'd observed them close ranks over the years against the world, and even against me on occasion. I'd watched the Kira woman try to break them up, but I refused to believe that a shallow woman like that could destroy my best team. I had to admit it was closer than I would have ever expected. Was that what was going on here? Was this the remnants of that disaster? As I watched Starsky leave my office, with none of his characteristic bounce, I realised how alone he was without his partner and my heart broke for him. For them both.

"Oh God, please tell me what to do here. I need a sign." I found myself praying and as I watched them talking, it seemed my prayer was answered for I saw a sign. A sign that came from Starsky himself. I couldn't hear what was being said but I did see Starsky's face as Hutch turned away from him and it was enough for me to see that whatever was going on between them, Starsky did need Hutch. I was going to see that he had him. I couldn't break Starsky's confidence but I could tell Hutch where he was going and leave the rest to him. Starsky had simply asked me not to tell Hutch that he feared he had cancer. Maybe I was looking for a loophole but it was enough for me.

"Hutchinson, get in here."


	4. Chapter Four

CHAP 4 FINAL

Hutch

I broke all records driving to the hospital. I had no idea what was going on but the mere words from Dobey, "He's going to the hospital for tests. I promised I wouldn't tell you but…." Dobey had hesitated here but I guess my face reflected the horror and fear I was feeling. "I think he's going to need you, Hutch." I was out of that door before Dobey finished his statement.

I was reeling with shock. Hospital? Tests? What the hell was going on? I'd known Starsky was unwell, why hadn't I insisted that Starsky tell me? I was going to read him the riot act when I saw him. Why hadn't I added up the clues correctly? Starsky sick, Starsky disappearing for a few days! I should have known, but I hadn't. Despite the distance between us recently, the thought that Starsky would check himself into hospital, without even telling me, was a totally alien thought. It just wasn't right. How dare he keep something this big from me? There was no doubt in my mind that it was big. It had to be to get Starsky to go to the hospital willingly. My mind raced back over the symptoms that I'd noticed - the tired, drawn look, dark circles under his eyes, wincing with pain, lack of appetite. Oh, Starsky, I'm gonna kill you! The thoughts I had weren't pleasant and I knew that this had to be serious. Why hadn't he told me? I kept asking myself this question over and over again. I knew why. Because I'd destroyed the trust that Starsky had in me. I was going to make it up to him, if it took the rest of my life. I couldn't bear the thought that Starsky's life could be cut short by a terrible illness. Why was I thinking this, assuming the worst? People went to hospital every day for tests and it wasn't always bad news. Could be something quite simple, but the fact was I was scared, scared like I'd never been before. I was going to scream at Starsky until he believed that we were partners forever and I would never do anything to jeopardise our friendship again. It was the most important thing in the world to me and never again would either of us doubt it. We had to believe in each other again, trust in me and thee.

I parked the car and raced into the hospital, only stopping as I needed to find out where Starsky was. Running, not wanting to waste a second, I barged into a room and came to a sudden stop at the sight of my partner lying on the bed, facing the window, looking very much alone. He turned as he heard the commotion of my entrance and his eyes widened in shock and, I couldn't help but notice, relief and joy. All of my anger dissipated in that moment and I knew what I had to do. If only I hadn't been too scared to do this before. The answer was so obvious.

"Hutch… what ya?" but Starsky knew, as I did. Instead of the screaming that I'd promised myself, I simply ran up to Starsky and pulled him into my arms, no words being spoken, or needed. We'd always been open with each other and given a hug if it was needed. Somehow we'd lost sight of that, or I had. As Starsky returned the embrace completely, I could feel the tension leave him. He was responding to my embrace and as we stayed in that position, I could feel things healing between us. We stayed like that for a long time, just taking comfort from the other.

Starsky

I was so scared as I left the precinct for the hospital. I needed Hutch like I'd never needed him before, for I was convinced by now that I had stomach cancer. The nausea, pain and vomiting had increased, and vomiting blood really scared me. I remembered Uncle Jake and a lot of his symptoms seemed to match what I had. He'd died. I didn't want to die, but I particularly didn't want to die alone. I wanted to reach out to Hutch but no longer felt that I had the right, the right that had once been mine. I realized then that I wanted to know what I'd done wrong, how I'd messed up the single most important relationship in my life. Once these tests were over, I'd talk to him and try to work out what had gone wrong, before I disappeared once and for all from his life.

I tried to think back to what the doctor had told me. He doubted it was cancer although it had to be eliminated. He was more suspicious that it was an ulcer. He asked me about the stresses in my life as stress can be a contributing factor. His questions about my diet, brought a weak grin to my face. If only Hutch was here! The doctor's calm manner did nothing to soothe me, and his instructions that I report to the hospital the next day didn't help me either. The pain I'd been experiencing was extreme and I certainly wanted it to be fixed, but I didn't know if I could face up to cancer. As he described the tests, I lost the plot of what he was saying. They all sounded most unpleasant but my attention wasn't what it should have been. Once again I was aware that I needed Hutch with me, to ask questions, to understand what was going on, but I was on my own. I knew I had to face this on my own, for I couldn't call on Ma. The thought of telling her made me feel sick again. Nicky would never be an option. We'd been estranged for most our adult lives, although every now and again we did meet up. I was worried about Ma, knowing if I didn't make it, she would be well and truly on her own. Once, I would have asked Hutch to look out for her but was aware I'd probably have to come up with another solution, although that could be a problem for later.

The meeting with Dobey had been difficult, with Dobey looking just stunned. I knew then that the Captain cared a great deal about me and in a way that hurt me too. I didn't want to cause pain to anyone, especially if this turned out for the worst. The thought of Ma was bad enough, but I knew I had friends who'd be hurt by this. Dobey had been astounded when I said Hutch didn't know and I couldn't blame him for this. If you'd told me six months ago that I'd be facing something like this, without my partner, I would not have believed it possible. Hutch. What was he going to think when he heard the news? No, don't go there, Starsky, not yet. It hurt to think I'd cause Hutch pain, but it hurt even more to think that Hutch wouldn't care.

I checked myself into the hospital. They went over the tests with me again but I still wasn't that focussed on what was being said. As I lay down on the bed to wait for them to commence, I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. I couldn't lose my thoughts of Hutch and as I lay there, the fear started to increase. I lay back and tried to think more pleasant thoughts, the good times I'd had with Hutch. The thoughts were interrupted by a commotion.I turned around and looked into a very familiar face. He looked like he was about to explode and looked like he'd run the four minute mile but before I could put more than a few words together, I was grabbed into his arms in a warm, comforting embrace.

Oh God. It felt so good and I suddenly felt everything was right again. Hutch's hesitation around me had made me remain nervous but this whole-hearted embrace put things back in place. We stayed like that for a long time, not talking, just enjoying the feeling of being reconnected.

Hutch

Finally I had to pull away from him. I needed to know what was going on before I

allowed myself to feel too relieved. The eyes looking at me were no longer lost, or frightened and as I knew it was my presence that had caused that, I felt great pride. However, I couldn't feel relieved, not until I found out what was happening. The facts remained that my partner was in hospital for tests of some sort.

I sat down on the bed, and kept my hands on Starsky's arms, rubbing his arms gently trying to soothe him.

"It's okay, blintz, really. I'll be fine. I know that now."

"But what is it, Starsk? What do they think?"

"They don't know. Gotta have some tests. Been pretty sick and vomiting, and Hutch,

I've been vomiting blood." I went cold with dread. "Doctor thinks it could be an ulcer.I was scared it might be cancer .. remember I told you about Uncle Jake. But I'm not so scared now…" he even managed a weak grin at me.

"I would've been here before. Why didn't you tell me?" and why didn't I force you

to tell me, I thought to myself.

"Don't ya blame yourself for this one, blondie. I was confused and I guess I didn't understand why….um, you know…"

Yes I did know, unfortunately. What had I done? I made myself speak.

"Kira?"

"Yeah."

"Starsk, I don't know why it happened. I really don't, but I can promise you that it won't ever happen again. You're the most important thing in the world to me and I never want to hurt you like that again. Never will." and I pulled him back into my arms again, relaxing as I felt Starsky relax on me. I sat up, leaning on the bedhead

so that I could sit comfortably holding him. I couldn't have cared less about what anyone thought. I was where I needed to be, and we had a lot of lost ground to recover.

"I dunno, Hutch. Kira didn't matter, not really. I guess I just couldn't figure why you'd sleep with a woman I loved. It was like I didn't matter to you any more. I didn't feel like I could turn to you, even when I got sick. I was scared…."

I pulled away slightly so I could see Starsky's face, trying to understand what he was telling me. "Scared? Of having cancer? That's understandable."

"No, scared you'd turn away and I'd be on my own. It seemed better to face this on my own from the start, rather than face you turning away from me." I simply tightened my hold, my heart breaking as I finally understood. I'd damaged Starsky's trust in me, but not in the way I thought. Starsky thought he didn't mean as much to me as he did. I'd fix this, whatever it took. He'd believe in me again, as I did him.

"Starsk, if I could turn back the clock I would, but I can't. Just know that it won't ever happen again and I'm ALWAYS here for you. I guess I was tired and disillusioned…." I allowed my voice to trail off as I gathered my thoughts. "We do need to talk, Starsk, but none of this was your fault and you need never doubt how much you mean to me." I felt the curly head resting under my chin nod.

"I know, blintz, and I'm gonna be fine now. I know it. Me and thee can beat anything."

I nodded, unable to speak and I sat holding Starsky for a long time in silence. It was a comfortable silence of old, with both of us feeling that we were truly partners again. I knew we still had to talk about things, I had such a lot to talk to Starsky about, not just about Kira, but about the last few months and how burnt out I'd been feeling. To try to explain what had happened, and why I knew it wouldn't ever happen again. This would all be sorted out - please God we will have time to do this.

Finally the medical staff came in to prepare Starsky for the first of his tests. With a final squeeze of his hand, I let him go and watched them take my best friend away. Fighting back tears, I knew I should call Dobey for there was no way I was going back to work until this was over. I needed to be with Starsky and he needed to know that I was there, for always. When I'd held him, I'd sensed him relaxing on me and could see in his eyes that the hurt was healing, but I wasn't about to risk anything. It had been too close. Dobey pretended to growl but I could hear the relief underlying his words. As gruff as our Captain was, he never failed us when we needed him.

I remained as close to Starsky as I could and we talked, as I know we should have done earlier. He was groggy, sick and tired but wanted to make up for lost time and insisted we talked, even though he sometimes fell asleep. How could I deny him anything? I knew we had a lot to cover, and that would continue even when he got home. This was a start, a good start. Starsky understood what I was saying, but this was no surprise to me. Starsky always did understand me, it was another aspect I'd lost sight of. I remained at the hospital, even when Starsky was having his tests, and I was there to hold him as the cancer tests came back negative. It was an ulcer. Treatment was required but he'd be fine. The only promise he extracted from me was that I would always talk to him, and never shut him out again. I could do that, for I'd already promised myself that I wouldn't ever blow this again. I was truly grateful for another chance.

The End.


End file.
